some dudes like to talk a big game about how comedy suffers when people are afraid to offend but man, Mitch Hedberg was a white dude working in the era of peak offensive edgelord and his shit holds the fuck up so while most comedians will never come up with anything as timeless as “if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up” they could at least make an effort
Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? “Prices and participation may vary.” I wanna open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say “Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti! And blankets! We are not affiliated with that clown.”
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one fuckin’ complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch! The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination! Good luck, fucker! That last payment must be made in wampum!
Hey, if you wanna talk to me after the show, I’ll be… fuckin’ surprised.
This shirt is “dry-clean only”… Which means it’s dirty.
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera… What’s it look like? ”
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.”
When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say “All right you’re a stand up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script.” They want me to do things that’s related to comedy, but it’s not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a good cook, and they said “All right you’re a cook… can you farm?”
-I saw an infomercial for a product that helps you water your hard-to-reach plants. Why would you put a plant in a hard-to-reach place, knowing that you’d have to regularly water it? “Here, I’ll splash some up on you! Hope they invent something before you wither and die!”
-I went to see this doctor but all he did was take blood from my neck. People, do not go to a Doctor Acula! (yes, he’s the original inventor of that joke!)
-They say Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried making some at home and there’s more to it than that. I’d have people over and I’d say “Hey you want some more homemade Sprite?” “Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!”
-I have a cockroach infestation in my apartment. I wish I had a different infestation. Like a koala infestation, they’re cute. I’d turn on the lights and there’d be a bunch of koalas on the kitchen floor, and they’d scurry under the refrigerator. Aw, come back out, koalas. I just want to hold you, and pet you, and feed you a eucalyptus leaf.
-I was in a movie with Peter Frampton. There was a scene where we smoked weed, but it was fake weed, because it was for a movie. That is equivalent to smoking real weed, with a guy who looks lie Peter Frampton. I have done that way more.
-I was out in the woods smoking weed one time with my friends, because we figured there was less chance of meeting a cop out there. Well we ran into a bear. That is way more of a buzzkill! Meeting up with my friends after we got away, one of them said “SMOKY IS WAY MORE INTENSE IN-PERSON.”
I wanted to tell that joke in England, but I was worried that they might not have a Smoky the Bear. So I asked someone, and it turns out that they do not. The English mascot for fire prevention safety is called Slappy the Frog. And I think that’s a way better idea, because when people see a bear the reaction is “Ah! Run! Bear!” but when people see a frog they’re like “Cool, a frog. I hope it sits next to me. Maybe I will get a mason jar and put you in it, with a few holes in it so you can breathe, and a stick and a leaf, to simulate what you are used to.”
PastelGrandpa 